Will you say grace today?

Will you say grace today?  Will you honor our creator?  Father, Son and Holy Spirit?  Will you allow that love to flow through your home as you celebrate His gifts?

This has been a year full of emotional up and downs, laughter, tears, a heart overflowing with love and a heart mind and soul that trust in Him.  I have to trust in Him and I believe in my heart and soul He will set things right.  In His time.

I have been out of work this year since June.  I am of an age where it is difficult to find a job, never mind a decent one.  Those are frustrations many people go through – unfairly and perhaps a good topic for another day.  I won’t pretend that I don’t worry – because I do, I need a job.  I need health insurance and a job that offers good paid time off.  What I will get – may be another thing.  I have met several kind and interesting people along the way.  Just yesterday I had a lengthy phone conversation with an attorney who told me about an employer he had prior to opening his own firm.  The employer, to “test” his “loyalty” to the firm would not allow him time to go to the wake and funeral of a grandparent.  The same employer would not allow him time for a trip to Europe which would have he was sure ended with marriage to someone he loved.  He lost those opportunites that are given only by God and to this day you could tell by his tone he still regrets that he put his job first.  He was so candid and spoke in such an emotional way I found myself wiping tears and struggling to speak.  Unfortunately this job is only 25 hours a week with no health insurance so it will not work out  though it was refreshing to hear an employer speaking about the wants, needs and desires of God’s children.
I am thankful for things I have learned along this journey and I hope and pray others learn these truths.

My mother died in May.  We had not spoken in many years.  She wanted my forgiveness.  When I told my employer I would not be in the next day, I had to travel out of state as my mother was on her death bed – he stared at me.  Not one word of condolense, what can I do?, etc.  My youngest son, toddler baby and I spent four days together.  The last night, all three of us sleeping in the nursing home, me at her bedside as she took her last breath in the wee hours of the morning, just hours after midnight.  The day before – Mother’s day.  The day before that her last birthday.

My eldest son has surely given me some gray hairs over the years.  The first to stretch and test boundaries, rules and patience.  He is also a really good young man who I still hope and pray will find a mentor along his way to help him continue to grow.  He is staying in Boston this weekend, newly reemployed little time off (public transportation – city boy has no need for a car there).  He is going to try to quit smoking this weekend and couldn’t see the sense in dealing with travel times and stress.  I understand and know he will be home for Christmas.  He mailed me a few dollars to help with special things for his nephews second birthday next week.  I am thankful for a son who loves and cares about others, struggles (and overcomes) obstacles and grows in life.  I hope and pray he finds his faith in God that he had as a child.

Middle child has been a challenge that has given me gray hair and had in part a large part to do with the loss of my last job, a job I only dreamed of in my younger years – though I will also admit I discovered it to be in a very toxic working environment full of toxic relationships and in that – not so sorry to leave, I only wish I made the move first.  There were a lot of complex reasons behind this position, lack of training (I did receive more than one apologize by my “trainer”), poor management, disorganization, lack of cooperation among employees/employers, hateful “speak”.  I am grateful to have had an opportunity and to learn it just was not for “me” (or the girl before me), I am grateful that my “trainer” who apologized also shared that she knew what I was going through with my middle child (and youngest) but to keep doing what I was for middle because I could never go back and fix what it and as a good mother I was doing what was right.  I am thankful after several stints to detox that my son is sober today.  I hope and pray he continues to be successful in his endeavors.

I spend a lot of time talking to and with my youngest son.  Actually – more time with his little son.  I am proud and hopeful for the young man he is and struggles to be.  As with all my sons, but perhaps my youngest more so because he is raising baby as a single dad I am thankful for his steps in the right direction, his love for the child he is raising lovingly and for our relationship and “coparenting” of baby.  I am thankful for his love, compassion and friendship. I hope and pray he achieves the college education (somehow) he dreams of, his hopes to make a better life for his son, his (hopeful) future family.

Little baby boy.  I have spent much of the past two years caring for, holding, loving – and as babies do – being pee’d on and thrown up all over.  I love him very much.  Children need a loving mother and too many do not have one for a variety of reasons.  I am “noni’momma”  We say Noni but he often says moma.  Yesterday morning I woke up to non non I said yes then he  said moma  :smile: I said yes.  Our little toddler books, tv programs (that “we” watch with him on my lap), daycare – life teach him babies have a moma.  It’s been a sensitive, difficult challenge.  I never expected to be a main caregiver of a baby at my age.  I used to dream about having a foster care/adoption home and people have suggested that but I know and believe children need two parents and I am only one, no longer own a house and know my limits.  Children need two parents and I believe parents need a partner to share – parenting with.  My landlord said to me recently “could you imagine life without him?”  I said no, but in ways I could.  People assume because I am a divorced woman who a toddler fills that void in life but children never fill the void of an adult partnership in life.  That is not their place.  Little one is however a gift from God, one I wish I could share, one I am grateful for.  Even if he threw up on me four times between Tuesday night and Wednesday morning.  Even if we will not having Thanksgiving dinner here today as he is sick at home.  I am thankful for his life, the sparkle in his eyes and the love he brings to so many.  I am grateful that though he remains a tiny peanut that he continues to grow and thrive and not deal with negative side effects of his birth mothers poor choices.  I hope and pray  that one day his daddy finds a godly woman who will love and cherish both of them and be the loyal wife and loving mommy this little one so deserves.  I hope and pray I am given the grace to quietly slip to the side, still offering support but not being in the way of happiness and love.

This has been a difficult year.  Life has so many challenges.  Some seem to have more than others to face.  Too often we are left alone struggling along the way because we forget the purpose of life, when we get down to it is what God has gifted all of us.  We find reasons and excuses not to step outside of our comfort zone, we like to stay in our safe little cocoon and struggle against the growth and evolution that God has gifted each of us with.  We all too easily forget who God is, who we really are and that our place is to live and love in His name.

I’ve traveled this journey alone, with Him for a very long time.  Some will say that is all there really is, we are all “alone” –  but I watch others and I disagree.  People forget his love is simple and pure, it is free – no strings attached.  People forget to treat employee’s properly – as they would want to be treated, people forget the details of life is love and the attorney I spoke with yesterday regretting he allowed a job to come before the love God put in his heart.  People forget the struggling younger generation and see them as “nones’ without really considering what made them such.  People forget to forgive and forget.  People forget to ask how they can help.  Too often we forget what the true virtue of love means, which is truly living – love.  People too often look up to and try to emulate those that went before them who in wide view did not really live as they spoke put upon thrones belonging only to our God.  We are humans.  God created us – as humans.  Be thankful for this, be thankful for gifts only He can give.  Know the Gospel, live the Gospel < – the keyword there is “live”.

We have forgotten what it is to truly follow HIm and to truly love each other.  This thanksgiving I will spend with one son in his room which is where he is happiest.  I will run errands and do chores.  Prepare and perhaps roast the turkey to make dinner tomorrow night easier to serve as I know my youngest is working on a roof tomorrow and I will have sick toddler underfoot.  I will stop obsessing over help wanted ads and read.  I will look for “nice” movies on tv and . . . I will pray.

I try to be mindful every day of the gifts our Father has given to us.  Gratitude, knowing that not all things in life and love. . . are not difficult is what helps ground us.  Knowing that what is difficult is worth it as from Him. Life.  Living, experiencing, knowing His love in us and seeing Him in each other.  Celebrating his gifts of love, unions, hope with each other, and in Him.  I am thankful for the many gifts He gives, I am thankful for the love in my heart and the loves in my life, even those who cannot be around my table this Thanksgiving.  I am human at times I do catch myself asking God to fill my life with more people, a houseful not just a table full. Less worries and someone to share good and bad with.  Arms full, a heart full.  For today, This thanksgiving – I am still grateful.

My thoughts, prayers and love are with them all.  My thoughts, prayer and love are with you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Will you say Grace today?

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